"Men and women belong together. Lesbianism and bisexuality is a choice."

Can you believe someone told me that?

That's ridiculous.

So you're telling me, if I have a crush on a bisexual female, I have no chance because women and women can't have a real, legit relationship together?

I don't believe that.

So I got hit with shoes today.

Mom started shit with me and grabbed two shoes and hit me with them. Repeatedly.

had an amazing dream last night.

It was totally alternate universe Legend of Zelda.

I can't remember much now, but it was amazing.

They didn't know who each other were, and they were normal people. And they were like: "Wait, so...we're elves or whatever?"

And there was this awesome boss with like 100 arms and it had knives and kept spinning and I was Link and I was blocking and it was SO FUCKING COOL.

Ahem.

12 hours of sleep is great.

so i got a random compliment today.

I was feeling really shitty today.

My hair was a mess.

My face was breaking out again.

I was walking to English and some guy was like: "Hey, beautiful," and winked at me.

It kindasorta made my day.

:]

Permit test on Monday, wish me luck.

Feeling a little creative today.

I've had a nice morning.

Got up at a good time (9:30), made a pot of coffee, and played around on the computer for a while.

I'm still in my pajamas, and I read a friend of mine's short story.

I feel really inspired to write -- which is great, because NanoWriMo is next month. That's gonna eat up a shitload of my time, really.

I'm sitting on the couch, in my Family Guy pajamas, with a couple notebooks open just scribbling away at plot ideas. I'm feeling pretty happy, really. Content.

I've got some homework to do, such as a writing thing, a study guide, and some extra credit but that can wait. I think I'm just going to turn my brain off today and focus on flexing creative muscles that haven't gotten any use in a long, long time.

:]

Aww, the weekend is over already?

I've had a fucking great weekend.

I went to Japanese Movie Night with a few buddies of mine and GABBY was there! It was so awesome! The movie was pretty crap (Ten Ten) but it was fun to make fun of. And we had loads of junk food. After, they came over and we watched Bruno (Then quickly shut it off o__o;;; ) and then turned on Role Models. Which, thankfully, was pretty fucking epic.

Yesterday, Matt came over so I could help him do his SCC stuff. But guess what? The entire Los Rios system was down yesterday! -facepalm- Yup. I even called them. 20 minutes later, they texted everyone saying that the system was down. =/ Fuckers. Maybe I reminded them to actually TELL people.

So yeah, instead of doing that, we hopped into his car and went to Starbucks. We sat outside and talked about random shit for a while, and then went to Game Stop. We didn't buy anything, but we were in there for nearly an hour and a half searching through the bargain bin like cheap people. :]]]

I found Starfox Adventures for $8, and I TRIED to buy it, but the fucking Game Stop didn't have it. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK. I was so disappointed. Matt said he'd loan it to me, though, so it's all good! :]]] I'm relatively happy atm.

After Game Stop we went to McDonalds. Oh my god, those fries are crack. For real. After that we went to SF Market, the Asian Supermarket by my house. I got chips, vanilla ice cream mochi, and red bean mochi. Dude, we pigged the fuck out.

We had a retro night and played Nintendo 64 all night. Mario Golf, Snowboard Kids 2, and then we hooked up the PS3 and played GTA: IV. We made up Chuck Roosky, who is the Russian version of Chuck Norris. It was hilarious. And we caused mayhem! WITHOUT CHEAT CODES. Now THAT is an accomplishment.

I've known Matt since first grade, so he's been coming over for a long time. I haven't seen him for ages, so it was nice to hang out for a while. Today, though, I really gotta work on my homework: mainly my CSI study guide. I've been putting it off. @__@

But for right now, I just want to read fanfiction and drink my coffee happily. :]

NaNoWriMo

National Writing Month.

I'm determined to do it this year.

I gotta figure out what novel to work on, though...I have loads of them.

A Few Confessions...

I've thought about killing myself.

Ever since middle school, I've been battling with it. The reasons don't matter, but I always had this awful, awful feeling that I meant absolutely nothing to anyone. That no one would miss me when I was gone. That my life would be better for everyone if I just offed myself.

I hated myself for a long, long time.

A few weeks ago, the thoughts started to return. But as I let myself meet new people, forget about the people that hurt me, and get out of the house more, they gradually faded away. I'm happy now. I know who I am. I know what i'm going to do. And I'm trying to get a job and my permit test is next month.

I've come a long way since then. And I know now that if I ever did something as stupid as that, a lot of people would cry. And my life is just beginning. I used to think that people that said: "High school is only the beginning. Life starts after it." were stupid and didn't know shit. But I was wrong. College is the best experience of my life. I've met so many people, and I'm having so much fun. I'm learning loads. I've never been so happy, so at peace in my entire life.

I might get a job at Payless. It's a weekend job, but it's something. I'm going to be driving soon. I'm going to have freedom. I have money now. And my parents are being kind to me for the first time since I was little. I'm really, honestly...happy.

It's like all the shit I went through, now I'm finally free. I feel lighter and just all around a better person.

:] Heavy blog post is heavy. But it's great to write it and look back at how far I've come.

I joined Japanese Culture Club and Anime Club.  I went to movie ngiht tonight and hung out with people. It was great.

I'm ready for my life to begin, and I'm going to stop looking back. Fuck the people that hurt me. I'm not going to beg for them to come back anymore. They can live their life. And if they come crawling back to me, they can go fuck themselves. I'm not taking anyone's shit anymore. I'll never put myself in a position to be used ever again.

I'm Rene Hardigree, and god damn it, I'm going places.

I wish I was a boy. [/tmi]

Started my period and I am soooo bloated and in pain and just, like, doubled over. Sucks ass. I was gonna spend today working on homework, but my family is coming over today. x__X Randomly. For real, Mike was like: "SO WE'RE COMING OVER TODAY. =DDDD"

Thinking of scribbling in my sketchbook and doing my 20 drawings while they are here...I got an essay due Tuesday. But I guess I'll just bust my butt working on it either tonight or tomorrow. ORZ

Just speed-cleaned the house. I'm wearing that "first day of preiod" outfit that every girl has: a tight shirt to feel somewhat attractive, messy hair, and sweatpants. As jeans are very uncomfortable during this time. Mom is going to get me pain meds. Thank god for Midol, right?

I'd better try and see if I can finish my CSI extra credit before they get here. x__X

I don't get it.

Why do I keep putting myself through this?

God, I'm sorry.

I love the weekend

So, yesterday kinda sucked as my grandma was being a total psychotic cunt but I don't feel like going into it. Anyway, I went hopped on the bus and went job hunting yesterday. Payless has an opening for a weekend job, which is perfect for me, really.  I submitted my application yesterday, and I'm gonna call the manager today.

Wish me luck!

Game Stop is filled with assholes that only want people with sales experience. Since when is that important? You need to be a gamer, first and foremost! The guy working there pretty much told me I had no chance. Uuugh.

I also went to Happy Hour at Chevy's with my cousin and my mom. It was pretty fun. Afterwards, we saw Devil and Easy A. Both were surprisingly EXTREMELY good, especially Easy A. I loved it! It reminded me of Juno, and I'm gonna look out for that actress. She has a rockin' body and she is an awesome actress (lol at which one I put first).

While I was in Game Stop, I boughhhtttt.....The Last Remnant. For  $15. Hope it's good. I've been playing the s hit out of Uncharted 2 and I luuurves it. :]]]]

While we were laughing, it was fun, fun, fun

Second Saturday was kinda boring, but I had a lot of fun just being out and about. Me and Bravo kinda wandered, and we left after two hours or so. Then we went to the Asian Market and bought some food. Udon noodles are hella cheap, man! When I go off to college, I'm gonna fill my fridge with udon and ice cream mochi, ho'kay?

Afterwards, we came to my house and he helped me get passed that scary part in Uncharted! We did a tag-team thingy. The final boss in Uncharted was AMAZING~!!!! It was really frustrating, but MAN, the part where he was dragging over the edge with El Dorado...Man.

I was kinda disappointed, though. You know the main villain? And how he opened El Dorado and became zombie-like? I was totally expecting this awesome transformation scene and a mini-boss fight before the final boss, but he just kinda died in a cut scene and fell over. xD It was kind of funny, actually. That game is pretty good with its: "OH SHIT" moments, though!

Yawwwn. I'm tired. I had loads of fun yesterday, though. I was supposed to go to Shirley's today, but my cousin Gina called my mom at like 8 a.m and invited her somewhere.....all day. So there goes my ride. ANd Shirley's parents are gone, too, so I can't get a ride. @__@ And it's way too far to walk. Oh well. This is going to be my junk food and anime day.

I'm on episode 12 of Ghost Hunt, and it's GREAT. I'm in love with the series right now. The last time I went through an anime this quick was Uragiri o__o Which reminds me, the episode came out today.

...

And I have homework.

DO. NOT. WANT.

Meh. I'll do it tonight if I remember it.

And how do you make udon with no chicken stock? FML

GUESS WHAT!?

I'm going to Second Saturday today!

WITHOUT MY MOM.

Oh my GOD. My mom is letting me GET OUT AND DO STUFF!

I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

S my D

Suck my dick.

Karma's a bitch.

You're a fuckin' ugly witch.

<3

Love, Rene

OHAI THAR GAY RIGHTS SIGN.

A bit of an update.

Yesterday I nearly got into a fist fight with my mom.

:D

Yeah, for real. I came home after taking two huge tests I spent ALL weekend studying for (you know the ones), and she's like: "I want you to clean the house."

Screw that shit, man. I was like: "But I'm tired!"
And she was like: "You don't know what hard work i sbecause you don't have a job! College, in comparison, is easy!"

She went on a tangent like that for a while, and I was like: "Well, maybe you'd know how hard college is if you didn't fuck around all your life, drop out of high school, and get knocked up at 20."

To which she had no response other than to nearly shove me into the brick fireplace.

Dipshit. We're cool now, though. She's so immature sometimes, I mean uuugh.

I got my English essay back! I got a C on it. WTF. College is harder than I thought! T__T I think my English professor is secretly a bitch, h'okay? But whatever, I'm gonna rewrite the first page and then everything will be bueno~

And I got my Art thingy I did on Tuesday back. The bitch gave me a C+! A C+, on something I worked on for like an hour! I was like: "Why did I get a C+ when I worked so hard on it?"

And she was like: "I don't care if you worked hard on it."

Well, maybe if she was a good professor I wouldn't suck so bad. Ever think of that?
I re-did the drawing and re-submitted it, and she said it was way better. She's a crackpot, that one.

But in other news, I got an A on my English test. But I failed my Asian Civ test...I kinda feel like a failure, even though it was by one question and I can redo it at any time. I only missed two questions o_O But it was like an 8 question test, so, yeah. Stupid Hinduism.

Rene's To Do List
Watch Ghost Hunt
Re-do first page of essay
Study for make-up Asian Civ test.
Do English homework due Tuesday
Start on Asian Civ project hopefully (Kabuki)

It's not too much of a load~ I also wanna beat Uncharted this weekend. I wanna borrow Uncharted 2 from somebody! T-T

A bunch of depressing rambling.

The sheer amount of how much people suck astounds me.

I try and act like I don't give a shit what people think about me, but I do. The fact is one of my best friends up and said: "I don't want to talk to you anymore." Yet I'm still trying to talk to her. I don't understand it. I really don't. I just can't stand being shut out of someone's life so coldly like that. I don't get it.

And then there's psycho facebook chick. Which, I'm not sure if I want to deal with anymore, but I hate being fucking ignored more than anything else. It just makes me...Ugh.

I love college, but I just want to sleep. I'm over-tired nad Grandma woke me up at 5:30 today banging shit around. I'm exhausted, and I have 2 tests tomorrow and Uncharted is pissing me off and I think my period is changing times because I think I'm PMSing, which is weird.

Whoa. Hello, run-on sentence.

I think I'm just overly upset because of Michelle. I don't get it....I know her stupid girlfriend is telling her to do all of this shit. Even though she won't admit to it.  I hate weak-willed people like that. It's awful, but I really hope they break up so I can get my friend back. Because it's not fair I'm always the one that gets fucking shut out like this!  I'm always the person people get tired of, I'm always the person people use. They only talk to me because they want or need something from me, then they shove me aside like some fucking dirty laundry. Everyone does it.

And after all of that, if I say one thing is going wrong with me, they say: "I'm not your therapist." Or something like that. Yes, it has happened before. Like three times.  I just wish one day, just one, someone could ask if I'm okay. Because I'm not.  I'm using this blog to rant, so, yeah. That's all the shit going on in my head.

My grandma started radiation treatments today. She's doing it all week. The first treatment went well, but everyone's on edge and it's killing me. I just want to lie down and sleep for a couple of hours and forget everything. Is that too much to ask for? The closest thing I have to that is video games, because I essentially turn my brain off.

Man...I really don't want to be alone right now. But it's not like anyone's going to listen to me, anyhow. Guess I'll go back to my video games. Writing the blog didn't make me feel better, though.

It's hilarious that....

Someone seriously stopped talking to me because of something I liked on Facebook.

Life is crazy sometimes.

Oh well. It obviously wasn't a strong friendship if someone flipped out over something like that. Epic fail much?

I'm on chapter 12 of Uncharted. Got two huge tests tomorrow, I'm kind of nervous.

I'm in a bit of a bad mood right now, but whatever. People fucking suck. I just have to get used to the fact that not everyone is as considerate (or sane) as I am.

People disappoint me.

Frequently.

It's too early.

Went to the hot tub last night with my cousin and my mom, then we watched Abandoned. My mom was working out in the little gym there, so I actually got to talk to my cousin for a good forty minutes or so before she came back. =DDD

My mom has this thing where if there is anyone else around, she will try and make fun of me in front of them to show her dominance. And if I say anything about it, she'll scream at me. Even Gina noticed it, so I know I'm not crazy.

Yesterday I got my Asian Civ study guide, and my CSI study guide done. Now I gotta do my English homework and finish my essay. But here's the kicker: We're going to Roseville tonight to spend the night at Mike's house (Family friend. His kids are like my siblings, practically) and all day Monday at his house. .__.; So...If I don't finish it before we leave around 6, I'm pretty much fucked. =DDD

CAN I DO IT!?

Augh...My mind is racing. About everything. It's really, seriously awful. I laid there for an hour trying to go back to sleep, but....Man, I'm gonna be super tired later on.

Getting into the college groove.

I've got a lot of stuff to do! うわああ～！たいへんですよね～

But I'm gonna do my best~

I've got 3 tests next week, an essay to turn in, and I have to start on my 20 drawings that are due on the 27th of this month.

Today, my cousin Gina had a garage sale at our house. xD;;; So I basically sat outside all day, working on my CSI study guide. I helped persuade people to visit us by waving and guilting them into stopping by through being nice. I am awesome. :]]]

It took me all day, but I finally finished my CSI study guide. I'm so glad we can use notecards. I'm really excited to get this test out of the way. The bad news? Well, I have a test like this every 3 weeks...Which really, really sucks, to say the very least. @__@

My schedule is basically like this:
Essay and English test on Tuesday
Asian Civ test and CSI test on Wednesday.

So, by Thursday, I won't be all stressed out anymore! Thank God.

My mom and Gina went to Wal MArt to get gigantic salads, apparently. Sounds like a yummy dinner to me! All I ate today was some Taco Bell at, like, 2 o'clock or something. I've been eating so bad lately. I hope I don't gain any weight. T__T

Anyway, time to go work on my Asian Civilization study guide, do my English homework, and hopefully start my English essay.

....

Aww, who am I kidding? I'm probably gonna go back to playing Tokimeki Memorial. x3

Aishiteiru kara

Cute song. :]

Let's begin from "I love you"
No matter how tough we act, we are holding each other on the palms of love.

Loving, being loved, loving each other...
And again, from there love is born

Let's start from "I love you"
No matter how much we hurt, we are on the palms of love, we can still love each other again

What it love, what is love I wonder?
A thing that does not need be thought about, is love, I think.

I am me, and as you are you, love is love.

I love you, I love you, I love you,
We'll start from there

I love you, I love you, I love you,
Yes, I'll tell you again tomorrow

Don't trip, chocolate chip!

So, yeah. A lot of weird stuff has been going on lately, but I'm determined to be a more optimistic person. Before, if ONE bad thing happened, it totally would ruin my day. Even though it was a totally awesome day.

But, y'know what? I'm gonna start enjoying my life. College is supposed to be the best years of your life, and I'm not gonna let anyone ruin it for me. Because chances are they won't be in my life that long anyway.

Anyway, so today was pretty good. English nearly put me to sleep. I can't believe I signed up for a 7:30 class. I am so fucking STUPID. But yeah, we basically read through the boring English book and she explained to the retards what a thesis statement was.

Um...This is a college grad requirement English class. Don't you know what a fucking thesis statement is? How many lectures do I have to sit through that's like: "DUUUH THIS IS A THESIS STATEMENT DUH AND THERE'S THIS LITTLE THING CALLED A COMMA. HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF A COMMA?"

Siiiigh. Sometimes I think I am the only smart person in the entire world. It's like I never left New Tech.

Anyway, after that boring ass class, I had a break for about an hour and a half. I sat down at my usual table and plugged in my laptop. Then I found Loki and he introduced me to his friends, which was awesome 'cause they are all really fun. I noticed this really cute-looking guy.

I was hangin' with this guy Josh, though. I go to get some food from the vending machine and all that, and Justin watches my backpack (Cute guy).  Then Josh asks if I have a boyfriend, yada yada yada, and he asks me out. o_O Wtf, I just met the guy, right?

Ten minutes later, Justin asks me out. ._. But he's totally cute about it! He was like: "I think you're really cute. I've never done this before, but would you be my girlfriend? We have a lot in common and you're really cute." I anno, he's really cute. He's 20 though. But that's not so bad, I guess.  But anyway, he's really cute and seems really sweet and we have a shitload in common, so I said yes.

He walked me to my Art class. Afterwards we hung out. It's nice that my mom is letting me hang out at the campus now. It's nice to be out of the house and hang out with people. I'm kinda anxious about being in another relationship, but...I dunno. He seems really sweet and my mom likes him. I'm totally nervous though, uuugh...Relationships stress me out.

Looking back on the majority of my previous ones, one can't help but understand why. <<;;; Hopefully a 20 year old will be more mature than high school kids.

Anyway, tomorrow I'm going to Folsom Lake. I'm not taking any Friday classes, thank god. I'm exhausted. I came home from school, ate a bowl of ice cream (It's fucking hot!!!!) and curled up in my bed. Fell asleep for like 2 and a half hours. And I'm still tired. Pissed I have to get up early tomorrow. My mom's an asshole.

Whatever. 3 day weekend. And I'm not getting up early every day, so she can go fuck herself.

I should go to bed, but one more episode of Sayonara Zetsubou Sensei won't kill me. <3 And my mom's hogging the bathroom anyway, so I can't brush my teeth.

"You got me sayin' yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah...It just a feelin'!" <3 Taeyang is love

Why am I awake at 5?

So I couldn't sleep worth shit. My first class isn't until 9, but I've been lying in bed since 5 trying to go back to sleep. I officially give up.

Yawwn. Fucking New Tech messed up my schedule for life. D=

You're crying all alone, but if you smile, it won't matter if the whole world is your enemy.

Hmm, what have I been up to lately...?

My cousin graduated from Kaplan college on Friday, so we went to the Old Spaghetti Factory or whatever. I got spinach and cheese ravioli. HELL YEAH.

I've been hanging with Elaine lately, too. And I had Nicole over yesterday. It was loads of fun. It's been a while since I've hung out with someone that likes all the same music as me. It's been nice.

My wisdom teeth hurt like a bitch, though. It's like a constant burning, pressure sensation. It's really starting to piss me off.

I'm trying to decide what video game I want to play =/ I might try Star Ocean 4 again....I'm not sure yet.  i haven't really been in the mood to do much of anything lately, to be honest.  I haven't written anything since summer began. And that's okay. Maybe I just need a break.

Today's the last day of summer vacation. I might go back to school shopping today, do some laundry, and clear my backpack of high school stuff. I've been avoiding having to go through all of that stuff, actually....Maybe because if I do, it's actually real that I'm not a high schooler anymore. It's weird to think I'm starting college at 9 a.m tomorrow. And its' not just a pain in the ass college class Hanzel is forcing me to take, either.

So weird!

Someone tell my wisdom teeth to stop hurting? Please? Oh my God, worst pain ever. I can't wait to get these fuckers out, but I gotta wait until fuckin' January!

FML

Oh. Finally made an appointment at the DMV for September 14th. So I can grab books to study and shit.  For the driver's test. I'm not too worried, really. Imma get my California State ID and then take my driver's test. How hard could the test be? For real.  I've been taking practice tests and w00t w00t I am epic win.

Anyway, bored now, later. xD

I just wanna go out tonight, I'm too tired to put up a fight.

So I was supposed to go shopping today with my cousin.

That...didn't happen.

Instead, I was guilted from the moment I woke up into going to my grandma's doctor's appointment. -___- What the fuck. They knew I had plans. So basically I was fucked if I went. So I just canceled. I'd rather just cancel than have to deal with those assholes. But guess what? Even though I canceled, they still started shit. There's no pleasing those people.

I'm just really...down, lately. Last night I went to the hot tub with my cousin and my mom and all they did was ignore me the entire time. Every time I tried to open my mouth they made fun of me. And when I tried not to talk, they made fun of me for being quiet and treated me like a freak. Then mom made a scene in the restaurant for no god-damned reason.

Is it Monday yet? I wanna start getting out of the house and doing my own shit. I'm tired of being a slave.  And I'm tired of complaining about it, too. I'm just having a really low day. Oh, and I have stomach cramps. =/ Not fun at all.

What I've been up to

So yesterday I went to Old Sacramento with Elaine and her cousin Tim. We had a lot of fun -- went to Evangeline's and stuff, and we bought matching angel wing earrings. We wore them around and stuff. We ate a lot of food and it was nice to get out. I had to scream at my mom for nearly an hour or two to get her to take me, though. Fucking bitch.

But yeah, then we picked up John from the lightrail station by my house and he spent the night.  We played Pokemon Stadium (I kicked his ass), and Mario Party. Surprisingly, my psychotic mother played with us, as did my cousin Gina. Who ruined it, by the way. I can never just have fun, after all. Everything gets fucked up so i can't enjoy myself.

Gina: WAAAH HOW MANY TURNS DID YOU CHOOSE!? This is stupid.

...Hey, dipshit? THEN DON'T PLAY.

Michael and Morgan (family friends) came over yesterday and it was pretty fun, I guess. We played Taboo and watched Date Night, then went on a walk to Sky Park. I climbed a tree. John took an ugly-looking picture of me. =/

Finally we drove everyone home and I was able to relax a little bit.

Today I cleaned the house (Because mom is a lazy fucking bitch), didn't get thanked for it, and then she bitched at me the second she got home because I turned on my Wii. Grandma had another stupid doctor's appointment today, so I got to enjoy a few hours without them in the house. Thank god.

But yeah, she walks in and Grandma immediately calls me a bitch and walks away, and mom thinks I am trying to "take over the living room" by playing video games while her ass is gone. Because I can never just relax and enjoy my day, ever. Everything I do is wrong and she won't leave me the fuck alone or let me forget it.

Ignore the fact I cleaned up after YOUR MESS. Yeah, you're welcome, bitch. Next time you do it yourself.  I'm getting so tired of her. I didn't even put this in my blog but because I asked to hang out with Nicole again, she was like: "You stupid little bitch! I hate you!" and threw the remote at my Wii. Oh, man, if it was broken I swear to God I woulda punched her in her ugly fucking face.

She's so fucking immature, it's UNREAL. She wouldn't let me go to Second Saturday because she might see people she knew there. I don't give a fuck -- I'm not stopping my life because you're an immature little bitch. But of course I had to anyway. I had to cancel plans with Nicole nad I barely got to hang out with Elaine.

Looks like the only thing I'm destined to do is to get stressed out over school. Having fun is illegal, apparently. God, I wish I could get the fuck out of here. For the past few weeks the bitch has been asking me why I'm still here when I'm 18. Apparently I'm old enough for her to kick me out (she's threatened it), but I'm not old enough to ride the bus on my own.

You can't have it both ways, bitch.

Ugh. I'm tired of ranting. Fuck my life. I was having a good day until that fat, ugly bitch came home.

An example of why my mother is a psychopath.

Okaaay....So, I made plans with Nicole yesterday, but I have to cancel because mom randomly decided sh wants to go rafting with our flakey ass cousin JERRY. He's just going to flake and then I won't be able to go.

Damn it, I haven't seen Nicole in two years. And I made my plans first, god damn you! I've been cooped up in this house taking care of grandma all summer, and I rarely get to do anything! I make plans and she immediately cancels them. Fuck her.

And she keeps bitching about how I don't know how to drive and I don't know how to get around....Whose fault do you think that is? Do you think it has anything to do with how she never talks to me longer than it takes to scream at me? Or the fact she takes no interest in my life unless she's canceling something I was looking forward to? Or how she never lets me go anywhere, do anything,t hat requires gaining life experience?

Nah, can't be. I'm just making things up, huh?

And get this: She even said: "YOU'RE 18! I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

Bitch, then let me move into a dorm like I wanted to! I woulda gladly borrowed thousands to get the fuck out of this house, and away from her crazy ass. I hope she gets help.  She was like: "Oh, I would miss you too much!" She never talks to me,  never pays any attention to me unless she's screaming for something I've done "wrong", I just...

Fuck it all.

FKSJFDJ:ASJFAUUUUUUUUUUGH

One more week of vacation.

I'm going stir-crazy. I haven't done ONE fun thing this summer and I feel like I'm losing my mind.

SOMEONE GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF HERE.

So apparently I'm the worst person on the planet.

I got bitched at and bitched at yesterday. It really sucked.

And I hate when you really want to talk to someone but you don't want to bother them. So you don't talk to them and they don't even notice, or care.

Just makes you feel kinda shitty. Especially when you know that person likes talking to someone else way more than you.

Or maybe I'm just sensitive or something.

I couldn't really sleep last night. Went to bed 'round midnight or so, woke up at 7 and I've been up ever since. I laid in bed texting for a bit, then I went to play Trauma Team. Yes, I am replaying it. Yes, it is the best game on the Wii, imo. :]]] I can't get any of the medals for the First Response bitch. I got nearly all of them for the surgeon. Orthopedics isn't that fun, neither is Endoscopy. My favorites are in this order:

Diagnostics
Surgery
CSI
First Response
Orthopedics
Endoscopy.

Yeah, so endoscopy is the most boring one. And orthopedics gets boring really fast. Diagnosing the people is awesome and it reminds me of LifeSigns for the Nintendo DS.

Man...I wish I had plans today. -sigh- Might go somewhere with Nicole on Sunday if my mom doesn't force me to cancel or some shit. Hope I can go. I haven't seen her in forever and I miss her. It'd be nice to feel like someone gave a rat's ass about me for a day.

A kind of blah day

So I went to Shirley's again today, but I'm home so early because she ditched me to hang out with her boyfriend. Who she saw last night, btw.

NICE.

But whatever. I just wish people could consider my feelings for once. -___- They never do. But forget it. I don't care anymore.

We played games and stuff. Jerry adn rusty are here now. Mom didn't put a steak in for me, nor a potato. I feel like they didn't even want me home and no one's talking to me. So I'm making my own dinner and I'm gonna eat later. Alone.

Life kind of sucks at the moment. I can't wait to go back to college. -___- At least then I'll have something to do.

I'm a cup of coffee, this is no joke, I kept your body movin' till the dance floor broke

Mmm. Morning coffee.

Grandma's physical therapist calling TWICE at an ungodly hour of the morning woke me up. And she heard me complain about it and she called me and asshole and started screaming at me.

Bitch, I have two weeks until I go to college. If I want to sleep 'till noon, then that's my fucking choice. She's still acting like a baby. She can move around but she insists on having every meal brought to her. She wants us to wake up at 7 a.m to make her breakfast when she can do it herself.

I mean, seriously? I'm not your slave. I never will be. Get the fuck up, stop taking zanex and DO SHIT FOR YOURSELF.

My plans? Shirley's house tomorrow, hanging out with Nicole this weekend, and grocery store/Starbucks today.

Last night was funny.
Me: I Shouldn't Be Alive is coming on.
Mom: It's, "I Shouldn't Have Survived."
Me: Nah uh.
Mom: Bet you $5.
Me: You're on!
Mom: -checks- ....Oh. I'll buy you Starbucks tomorrow.
Me: :D

There's so many fine women, my head is spinnin'

So, girls.

I mean, it's me. So the topic had to come up eventually.

What's my type, you ask?

Well, I had a rather shitty relationship in the past. And it really made me feel like shit. So I want a girl that's the opposite, you know?

• A girl who will put my picture as the background of her phone and show it off.
• A girl that knows how to dress up, but who can be beautiful in sweatpants.
• A girl that'll love me for who I am.
• A girl who likes playing games or going shopping.
• A girl that doesn't mind just being with me, even if we don't go to expensive dinners.
• A girl that's patient with me and will teach me how to kiss like a pro.
• A girl with a sense of humor that won't freak out over the littlest things.
• A girl who isn't clingy, but makes me feel loved. 
• A girl that can cook. 
• A girl that likes to cuddle.
• A girl that won't fake like she loves me. She'll really love me. 
• A girl that I can bring home to my mom proudly. 

Maybe my standards are too high, but when was that a bad thing? I just want a good relationship, you know? I want someone that'll love me. Because I always feel like I have to pretend and be someone I'm not to meet their expectations. And that's not who I am.

A few secrets?

I hate when people treat me like some fragile girl.
I hate when people hold doors open for me. I like doing it for other people.
I hate when people treat me differently at all because I'm a girl, I guess is the summary.

I've always been more comfortable with just....being me. Sure, I'm boyish, but people have got to deal with that because I'm not changing for anyone anymore. I'm not gonna settle. I'm me, and if I can't find someone who will love and accept me for who I am, I guess I'll just be alone. And that's okay.

Wow...Pretty deep one o clock in the morning musing. :]]

It's amazing how quickly you can bond with people you've never met.

So, last night was totally awesome. I went to Shirley's house all day, ate freshly-made spring rolls, and played video games. After that I went to Aunt Nanci's house to say goodbye to my cousins, because they are flying back to Ohio today. I'm going to miss them so bad. We hung out in the hot tub for an hour and a half, then we went to the restaurant.

It's really weird, too, 'cause I ran into a guy that used to be in my Japanese 401 class two years ago! He was like: "Excuse me, are you Rene?"

Me: Yeah. HOLY CRAP, MAX!?

I know that this is totally stupid but I felt really self-conscious, and when he asked me what my plans were since I graduated, all I could say was: Sac City.

And he went to UCLA, which really makes me feel inferior. Sometimes I wish I was going to U.C Davis and living in a dorm, and not at home with all of this stupid shit going on. I feel like crap because I'm never going to be able to just live my life. Oh well, I couldn't possibly pay for it anyway.  But man, I'm going to be happy when I transfer to a university in two years. :P

Today is going to be a pretty boring day. Mom's friend Cheri is coming over, and they all went shoe shopping. I really wanted to go, but I have to stay and babysit the baby (a.k.a grandma). I'm really annoyed right now, but whatever. Fuck them. I'm going to play my xbox and get farther in Mass Effect, which is amazing by the way

I am horribly sunburnt.

Today I hung out with my cousins again. :]]] We went up to Folsom Lake and rented a boat and paddled all around! I was terrified we were going to be hit by a speedboat or something, but we didn't. Which I am very  happy about.

My cousin was being a total bitch the entire time though. Her dad gave her $100 to spend on our two cousins (Food, admission, ect.) but she didn't spend a dime. She made my mom pay for everything and pocketed the money! Isn't that disgusting!? Ugh!

She had a total attitude the entire time, too. She'd be really bitchy like: "Ugh, this is so GAY. This is LAME. This is STUPID." It's like: "if you're going to complain the whole time, DON'T GO." I mean, she ruined it for everybody by being a bitch. I can't believe I'm actually related to someone like that.

Anyway, more about the lake. The water was warm and perfect, the weather was only 90-something degrees today with a nice breeze, and it wasn't crowded. That's always a plus. Last time I went there was a bunch of little kids and stuffers.


The boat was really fun, too. But we paddled around in circles for about ten minutes before we got the hang of it XDXD And I'm totally sunburnt. My entire back is red and I can't touch it. Also, the palms of my hands.

After the lake, we went to Scandia. We went on the bumper boats, rode go-carts, and went mini-golfing. My cousin calmed down and stopped being such a bitch so we started to have fun. I hung out in the arcade and played Guitar Hero Arcade and Dance Dance Revolution. The buttons were broken, though, but it was still super fun. :]]]

Something funny: A bee flee into my bumper boat and I literally jumped out of it and freaked out. T-T It was an angry yellow jacket. So freaky-looking that the guy working there didn't bother with it, either. He was afraid of getting stung! Haha.

My cousins are leaving on Monday (They are visiting from Ohio) and I'm super sad to see them go. I was so glad to get the chance to meet them for the first time, though. They are really awesome.

In other news, Rene is getting out of the house! I'm going to Candace's tomorrow for a party, then Shirley's on Sunday!  I'm going to try and get out more. I'm 18, I deserve to have a life. Maybe all I needed was to get out a little. I really do feel awesome now.

But also exhausted, so I am going to sleep.

A Few Truths

Truthfully, I'm not as confident as I seem to be.

People at school always told me how happy I was and how they wished they were like me. I never had the guts to tell them that I'm depressed a lot of the time and socially anxious. I'm always trying to find a reason for someone not to like me because I don't want to wait for them to say it. Just going to the mall with people that I haven't before nearly gave me a panic attack. I was so afraid I was just invited because of my friend and that no one wanted me there.

And I really don't want to feel that way. I want to feel confident. I don't want to feel alone the majority of the time. I want to be happy.  But it's really hard to feel that way when you're trapped at home for the summer with people that scream at you all the time.

Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. For anything. For anyone.

Sometimes I feel like I'm going to fail out of school and all of the time studying and going through hell at New Tech will be wasted.

Sometimes I feel like nobody wants me around, even though I know that's not true.

Sometimes I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, and I'm not sure what's wrong or how to fix it.

And that's the real me. I'm self-conscious, socially anxious, and the reason I don't feel pretty is because when I dress up I don't like what I see.

I wish I had more good days than bad days.

So Grandma was walking fine this morning. I'm getting really sick of her playing everything up to get sympathy and shit. I really am. I only have 3 weeks of summer vacation left and absolutely NOTHING to look forward to. I had a really shitty summer and it's only getting worse.

I was SUPPOSED to go downtown with my cousins and then go swimming and get a break from being around my mom all the time, but of course, Gina cancelled. Because Valari didn't want the kids to go. -_- She needed "help with the baby!" AKA: "I don't want my teenaged daughters to have more fun than me" syndrome.

Yeah, so, Gina flipped out and said we had to be at downtown early so I got up at 8:30. I watched some TV,texted Michelle since she was freaking out, and vegged for a bit. Anyway, ten rolls around so I start to get dressed and then she calls and cancels. But says we can still go swimming later.

Not two minutes later Morgan and Karen arrive, and no one told me they were coming at all. -____- I don't mind, I just HATE having shit sprung on me, you know? That, and I didn't get enough sleep last night. So Karen and mom take grandma to her doctor's appointment and I hung out with Morgan for a while, which was fun, but still. @-@

So I'm all looking forward to going swimming later, then Gina calls and bitches my mom out. That, and mom is also suffering from "my teenaged daughter can not have more fun than me" syndrome, and refuses to let me go swimming today. No, I have to stay and babysit Grandma. Like always. I'm getting so tired of sitting around this fucking, fucking, fucking house. I'm about to lose my mind. I'm depressed. I'm sad. I'm pissed. I'm tired. I want to sleep. I can't relax enough to. I missed my shows last night. The girls were supposed to spend the night tonight and now they can't and I'm going to be alone and just sitting here by myself, as usual. -___- While everyone and their mom has more fun than me.

Monica and Maddy have more lives than me and they are 14 and 16. It's ridiculous. It made me realize how much I've wasted my life staying on the good path and that i Haven't let myself have ANY fun, whatsoever. I have no crazy memories. No stories to tell. Mom, Gina, and the girls were going on and on about how they snuck out and TP'd and all that, but I have no stories because I'm not allowed to go anywhere or do anything ever. I'm not even allowed to hang out downtown, where all of my friends hang out!

-sigh- And I'm stuck here waiting. Again. I don't know why I even fucking bother...

Days like this I just want to take a sleeping pill and sleep it all away. I want this day to be over with already. I'm in such a foul mood I don't want to do anything, including watch TV or play video games. I'm just ranting in my blog that nobody reads. Whatever, though. It's cool. I'm used to not having a life. I'm used to being depressed about 80% of the time.

Because wanting to have a life makes me such a sinner, you know?

And Karen was telling me I needed to "help out more". And mom didn't even defend me. It's like: WHAT THE FUCK. Because I washed 8 loads of her clothes, cleaned the fucking house like seven times, fed myself, and all that shit when grandma was in the hospital. And those were all her clothes, by the way. I folded them BY MYSELF and put them in her room, where they have been for a week. Uh, maybe you wouldn't have so many FUCKING dirty clothes if you actually put them away every once in a while.
And Karen got on me about not having my permit, either. How is that fair? So what if I do'nt want to fucking do it right now? No one is ecnouraging me, they are just screaming at me! Fuck you guys. What's the point of having my permit if I don't have a car? Maybe if I had a car I wouldbe more motivated. There is seriously no point to it whatsoever.

Nobody fucking appreciates me. I'm an amazing friend, an amazing daughter, and NOBODY FUCKING APRECIATES IT.

Can everyone just die and/or drop off the face of the Earth, please? Thank you.

水曜日

こんばんわ！


So! Today was a really fun day. My cousins Madison and Maddy are in town from Ohio, and so we went to my Aunt Nanci's house. It was Gina's 22nd birthday, so we went over to Aunt Nanci's house (her grandma) for ice cream and cake.




After that we couldn't really decide what to do, so we all argued and stuff.

Which kind of sucked. So we decided to go to Vince's house and go swimming. We sat in the hot tub and stuff for a few hours, then mom couldn't get a hold of grandma so she flipped the fuck out and we went home. Grandma called when we were in the driveway and said she fell and has been on the floor for an hour.

But guess what? She says her legs aren't working and shit. But when we try and help, it's like she puts all of her weight on the ground and she screams and curses at us. It's like dealing with a toddler, honestly. I've been saying she's nuts for about a year now but no one believes me! Personally, I'm of the opinion mom needs to back off and let her do stuff on her own.

Worst comes to worst? Put her in a home so she can be taken care of properly. They would force her to move and she would have medical help 24-7. Both physical and mental. Because I think she's got a couple of screws loose. .__.


But yeah, I'm going Downtown with my cousins tomorrow to hang out at the mall. I hope we'll see a movie or something. I'm glad I get to get out of the house but I feel really sorry for my mom. Grandma's such a baby; she really doesn't deserve to be her slave all of the time. The physical therapist is coming on Friday so Ihope they will know what to do.

I should probably get some sleep. :]

始まり

So! I created a blog. Because my livejournal was getting too filled with rants and stuff.

Anyway. For people that haven't talked to me for a while, I guess I should go on a summary of what's been going on:

I graduated my high school on May 28, 2010 with a 4.0 GPA. Despite...a lot of hardships, including shoving fifty hours of internship at a daycare in three days.=D;;; While everyone else was on senior trip.

I haven't really done much over the summer. My grandma was in the hospital for a collapsed lung like a week ago and she got home a couple days ago. I've just been hanging with Shirley and going to the mall and going to the movies and hanging out with my family. I think we're going to San Fran on Thursday, but I'm not exactly holding my breath for that one. Every time someone tells me that we're going out of town or something, it never happens.

Anyway, pretty sure I'm going to go hang out at Arden with Jessica today. I woke up feeling kind of sick so I don't know...But my stomach is always pretty tempermental.

Let's see, as a bit of introduction, I'm 18 years old, starting college August 23, and my major is Psychology. I'm living with my parents and transfering to a university or something. I haven't decided if I want to be a therapist or go into forensics and law enforcement yet. I want to try out some Game Design classes, too, but I dunno...

I'm really into Japanese culture and I intend to do a semester in Yokohama, Japan someday. I'm already looking into programs and stuff. I've taken two years of COLLEGE level Japanese (Because high school just doesn't cut it, it doesnt' teach you shit), so, yeah. I'm into RPG's and I love the Phoenix Wright, Trauma Center, Legend of Zelda, and Tales series.

And I guess that's me.  xD I suck at this.