Truthfully, I'm not as confident as I seem to be.
People at school always told me how happy I was and how they wished they were like me. I never had the guts to tell them that I'm depressed a lot of the time and socially anxious. I'm always trying to find a reason for someone not to like me because I don't want to wait for them to say it. Just going to the mall with people that I haven't before nearly gave me a panic attack. I was so afraid I was just invited because of my friend and that no one wanted me there.
And I really don't want to feel that way. I want to feel confident. I don't want to feel alone the majority of the time. I want to be happy. But it's really hard to feel that way when you're trapped at home for the summer with people that scream at you all the time.
Sometimes I feel like I'm not good enough. For anything. For anyone.
Sometimes I feel like I'm going to fail out of school and all of the time studying and going through hell at New Tech will be wasted.
Sometimes I feel like nobody wants me around, even though I know that's not true.
Sometimes I feel like everything I'm doing is wrong, and I'm not sure what's wrong or how to fix it.
And that's the real me. I'm self-conscious, socially anxious, and the reason I don't feel pretty is because when I dress up I don't like what I see.
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ReplyDeletetl;dr: Living at your house is a very temperary thing. I know it's hard now, but focusing on all the negative aspects of living with your mom will just make it worst. Try getting a part time job to get out more. If there are people that make you feel like you aren't good enough, dump 'em! There's no reason to keep around 1 person that doesn't like you out of BILLIONS.
ReplyDelete---
The only expectation you need to fulfill is your own at this point. When you're worrying about how other people see you when you're not satisfied with yourself isn't how you get over being socially anxious.
When people say, "Just be yourself and you'll make friends," they have a certain form of socially accepted normality in mind. It's okay to act happy and hyper if that's how you want people to see you. But don't focus on just the facade, focus on how to make it more than just a mask.
For a lot of people, being confident isn't something that happens over night. It's something you slowly pick up with every social event you're exposed to.
Moving out was the much needed getaway I needed away from my family (they also made me feel trapped). Even though I'm not exactly having the time of my life here in Reno, I am enjoying the peaceful time I have that wasn't always bombarded with my parents telling me what to do. Remember that your situation is very temperary, because you will be living the majority of your life without your mother always hounding you. You'd be free to go to any friend's house you'd like and as such, bring them to your house as often as you would like as well.
However, since you're an adult, it's not impossible to strike a deal with her as well. If you brought home some of the bacon to the table rather than focusing on Dragon Age, she may be more accepting to the idea of letting you roam around more. I've only met your mom a handful of times so I don't really know her very well, but if she isn't willing to talk and negotiate with you, maybe it's time to look for a job and some roommates.
All this advice may sound kind of corny (and maybe a little bitchy, but I didn't mean for it to come out as so!), but this is spoken from mostly first hand experience from being socially anxious and having problems at my own home. Fortunately, I found a lot of common ground with the Brawl/Fighting community. There are, admittedly, people who aren't fond of me and vice versa, but haters gonna hate! If people don't like you, then it's nothing to worry about. There's so many people you can choose from, there's no reason to focus on winning over the approval of some random asshole.
Thanks, Cori. :]]] Yeah, I know. I've been fighting to find a job, but no luck. You know how bad unemployment is right now. I've applied like everywhere. No call back, even though I check on my applications like 3 times. I really have been trying.
ReplyDeleteDue to the stuff going on with my grandma, I haven't been able to get out very much. But I'm working on that. :]]] Things are calming down so I can finally start having a life again, you know?
She's really overprotective and kind of psycho sometimes. .__. I'm not allowed to do a lot of stuff. It really sucks. I'm going to try and take your advice to heart, though. I mean, you've been through a lot, too, and I appreciate you taking the time to advise me. :]]]