A Few Confessions...

I've thought about killing myself.

Ever since middle school, I've been battling with it. The reasons don't matter, but I always had this awful, awful feeling that I meant absolutely nothing to anyone. That no one would miss me when I was gone. That my life would be better for everyone if I just offed myself.

I hated myself for a long, long time.

A few weeks ago, the thoughts started to return. But as I let myself meet new people, forget about the people that hurt me, and get out of the house more, they gradually faded away. I'm happy now. I know who I am. I know what i'm going to do. And I'm trying to get a job and my permit test is next month.

I've come a long way since then. And I know now that if I ever did something as stupid as that, a lot of people would cry. And my life is just beginning. I used to think that people that said: "High school is only the beginning. Life starts after it." were stupid and didn't know shit. But I was wrong. College is the best experience of my life. I've met so many people, and I'm having so much fun. I'm learning loads. I've never been so happy, so at peace in my entire life.

I might get a job at Payless. It's a weekend job, but it's something. I'm going to be driving soon. I'm going to have freedom. I have money now. And my parents are being kind to me for the first time since I was little. I'm really, honestly...happy.

It's like all the shit I went through, now I'm finally free. I feel lighter and just all around a better person.

:] Heavy blog post is heavy. But it's great to write it and look back at how far I've come.

I joined Japanese Culture Club and Anime Club.  I went to movie ngiht tonight and hung out with people. It was great.

I'm ready for my life to begin, and I'm going to stop looking back. Fuck the people that hurt me. I'm not going to beg for them to come back anymore. They can live their life. And if they come crawling back to me, they can go fuck themselves. I'm not taking anyone's shit anymore. I'll never put myself in a position to be used ever again.

I'm Rene Hardigree, and god damn it, I'm going places.